Thursday, January 31, 2013

There's a light at the end of the tunnel, but I underestimated the length of the tunnel. . .

Today I really felt like I needed to write an entry or generally write more regularly in here.  I have felt this tugging to write and share, but I hesitate because I don't always know how to balance what to say and what to keep to myself.  I just want to reach out and if my experiences entertain, inspire, or encourage someone my goal will be reached.

At any rate, I've hesitated even more because after finishing a seasonal job and resuming my work search in mid-January I didn't feel what I had to share would be positive, and who wants to be a downer?  Some local family stuff was going down about that time so I used it as an excuse to put off diving back in and kind of had a private pity party for a week.

This whole process has been challenging.  I invested so much time and effort into MY plan and things not going my way are very disheartening.  Maybe it's only child syndrome or I've just been lucky and spared this kind of struggle most of my life.  I've had my struggles, but there was a light at the end of the tunnel and this tunnel seems longer than I expected.  At any rate, I finally ended the pity party, let out all the frustration and got determined to start fresh.

I'm taking a break from skating because I can't afford to get hurt on a low budget with no health insurance, but instead I started training for a 5k.  I focus on my job search, but I also focus on staying involved as a Non-Skating Official for derby, volunteering at church, and trying to be a good friend to my Okie family.  I'm also trying to stay diligent in my spiritual journey.  I stumble along the way, but things are looking up.

I signed on with an employment agency that recruits for temporary work as well as temporary to hire.  It's mostly administrative assistance, which leaves me feeling unfulfilled but helps get by and keeps me from vegging out on the couch too much.  This week I've been filling in so at least they are finding me things to do and I'm being useful to someone.  Gotta find that positive spin!  On Monday I have an interview for a job that looks promising.

Today during my down time at work (I'm limited in what I can assist with due to unfamiliarity and the phone calls weren't pouring in) I read this article online.  



To sum it up, OKC Thunder Player Hasheem Thabeet has previously struggled in his NBA career despite being the number 2 draft pick in 2009.  He went through trades and coaches until he got picked up by the Thunder.  Early in his career he was under a lot of pressure to perform very well while transitioning to a higher caliber of game play, as well as being criticized for not performing as well as other draft picks of the year.  Through it he stayed positive, which STILL garnered criticism.  Finally, he was traded to the Thunder where he was coached in a way that focused on building his strengths while still improving and equalizing his weaknesses.  He didn't have to be everything to everyone, just focus on being HIS best and contributing to the team in the role that best suits his ability, skills, and talents.  Not sidelining him completely for mistakes or because he hasn't fully grown into his potential.  Most of all, he felt welcomed and included in the community of the team

Isn't that all we really need to thrive?  To be accepted for our individual talents and contributions?  To be encouraged to keep working and persevering?  To know that if we make a mistake and haven't fully reached our potential, there is still plenty of road for the journey?  I thrive most when I have other people to turn to as part of a caring community of encouragement, whether that be family, friends, scholastic, or professional.  At the same time, when you're by yourself or when your community isn't as positive you have to have that inner light to stay positive and push forward.  It may be unusual, but I found that article inspiring.

Well there's an update and hopefully some encouraging thoughts from me.  I've stayed up a wee bit too late, yet again, so I'll end this for today.  :)



Friday, January 4, 2013

It's all about perspective

This week at youth group, Rachel led the kids in making new year's resolutions.  She had separate worksheets for the adults (just me and her this week) and the students.  I really liked the worksheet for the adults, which wasn't a typical "My resolution is to do/not do this. . ."  Instead it focused on wants, needs, what you can share during the year, and a word to focus on for the year.  It kind of keeps your goals centered, without being restricted.

The word I chose to focus on this year is "peace."  While this isn't always the case, I have some type A tendencies, control issues, and general anxiety issues.  Part of this is my inherent high achiever, perfectionist nature while part of this was nurtured in college.  All of it adds up to over-thinking and over-analyzing, which leads to unnecessary stress and worry.  Not only that, but in stressful situations I often tend to have knee jerk reactions rather than remaining calm and thinking through a solution without getting emotional.

An example of this was my mother's recent visit for Christmas.  As excited as I was to have my mother here for the holidays, there was an underlying fear that things wouldn't go as planned while she was here.  My mother is bipolar and is still trying to establish a new routine after moving to Florida.  While she has moved forward leaps and bounds in the past few years, I still worry that change in her routine will trigger a negative reaction.  Thankfully, her visit went very well until we were on our way to the airport.

I have an older car and a notorious track record for shenanigans.  The second day of my mom's visit, I started having trouble with the electric panel for the starter.  Some wires weren't making good contact and needed to be adjusted occasionally before the car would start.  It was under control most of the time, but the morning I was taking Mom to the airport it acted up.  I got it started and we drove on without worry because once it starts it's smooth sailing from there.  That is, until the car decided to coast in a non-responsive manner during the drive to the airport.  

I pull off to a safe side road and started the usual trouble shooting, which wasn't working.  Panicked, I called in  for back up and a rescue ride for my mother.  While I'd love to extend her stay, she doesn't have an option for a direct flight home and I didn't want either of us to deal with the stress of re-routing her travel plans.  I nearly started crying in a "Woe is me! Why can't anything ever go according to plan?" sort of manner.  I'd try to take a deep breath and finagle with the wiring again, to no avail.  As the minutes ticked by, my panic started to increase.  Would her ride get here in time?  Would she check her bags and get through security without any trouble?  What if we had to reschedule?  Would my car get fixed?  Why was it doing this?!?!  I finally took one more deep breath and adjusted the key, only to realize I didn't even have the key in the right position to see if the wires were making contact and registering again.  DUH!

Fear, panic, and anxiety had blinded me to an obvious stumbling block to fixing the problem.  It's amazing how just taking a deep breath and calmly taking a second (or third, fourth, fifth. . .) look can quickly solve the problem.  There is no place for over reaction in that situation, and it just wasn't necessary.

This morning I was locked out of my office, as I was the second to arrive and don't have a key.  As I was getting ready to call to have the door opened, a coworker pulled into the parking lot.  I got out of my car, locked, and closed my door.  Then I checked to see if my keys had been put in my purse.  Not finding them right away, I checked my pockets.  Definitely not there, I double checked my purse, which sometimes eats my keys.  Still not finding them, I looked inside the car, finally checking the ignition where the keys were hanging.  Great!  I remained calm, walked in the office and started asking for a wire hanger and planning my break in.  Nobody had anything that would work.  One of my coworkers asked the obvious question of whether or not there was a spare anywhere.

Aha!  I do happen to have a spare in a trusted location accessible to someone who might be able to bring it to me.  After a few phone calls and text messages, I'd not only arranged for the spare to come to my rescue, but I made a lunch date with my sister who is in town from Hawaii.  We hadn't had a good  time to sit and have a heart to heart chat during her visit, so this morning's rough start turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Experiencing these two stories, one before and one after my resolution to make peace a focus for 2013, has helped me realize that there is a lesson to be learned in the most ordinary yet annoying mishaps.  Whether it's the reminder to calmly take another look or seeing the opportunity disguised in a typical nuisance, just because something stressful happens doesn't mean the situation is ruined.

Wishing you peach and clarity in the moments that try your patience and stress levels,


Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Reflections on 2012

As 2012 came to a close and 2013 was approaching, I could not help but reflect on the events of the past year.  It was a roller coaster of a year and quite certainly did not end the way I expected it too.  Yet it is undeniable that through everything, there was a lot of growth that occurred in the past year.

In the beginning of the year I had resolved to work on my spiritual and financial life.  I took a class that helped me delve deeper into my faith and become more habitual about practicing Catholicism.  Through this class, I got more than just a deeper and renewed knowledge and practice of the faith.  I made a better relationship with a friend which led to later becoming involved in youth ministry with junior high students in September.

Through that friendship, I also got involved in roller derby.  After going to a 4th of July party at Rachel's house, I met some roller girls and found out that a new recruit class was beginning the following week.  I tried it out and have been sticking with it, though last month I was pretty busy and slacked off on skating.  Skating has helped me get active again and given me an outlet and release when things have gotten stressful.  I met some great people and gotten motivated  to stay physically active.  I actually rang in the new year by officiating at some exhibition bouts as part of the New Year's Eve events downtown and then watching the ball and fireworks with some of the girls.

In September I had the biggest change and challenge of the year when I became unemployed.  I've been praying about what the next step of my journey is, and found a temporary home where my skills have been greatly appreciated.  It's not what I'd like to do for the rest of my life and will be over in a couple of weeks, but it was great to get some confidence back.  Mean while, I've got one or two things I'm waiting on and back up plans after that.  I just keep praying that I follow God's will to build a career that fulfills His purpose for my life.

Throughout the year I also reflected on some relationships, past and present, that have affected my life.  I made amends with an old friend whose relationship with me had fallen apart dramatically and left a lot of residual negativity.  I finally answered the call to not only forgive, but to make amends.  I also finally opened up and honestly discussed my feelings with someone else whom I had been holding back from.  That was necessary in order to open my heart up to other possibilities.  It has not been easy, but I am resolving myself to open myself up to move forward into the new year, rather than hold on to the past and possibilities that aren't really in my future.

The most important thing throughout this year though, is the renewed strength in the relationship I have with my family.  In May, I went home to Louisiana to see my cousin's graduation.  I got to spend time with my step-father's family, whom I haven't gotten a chance to see since his funeral in 2009.  Louisiana overall still holds a huge place in my heart and always will because of my history there.  It can be bittersweet, but I know that I needed to make peace with it and my trips the past two years have been important for that purpose.

In June I went to my family's reunion in Las Vegas.  I got to see aunts and and uncles that I have only seen a few times in my life, and mostly for sad occasions such as funerals.  I got to meet my cousins who had only been anecdotes before, as well as their beautiful children.  I built relationships in that week that have lasted throughout the year.  In November, I went back for my cousin's wedding and was blessed to see many family members again.  It is a blessing for my large family to reconnect like this and to become more involved in each other's lives.  A great shout out to Facebook for helping keep us in touch!

I also got to spend extra time with my mother this year.  In October she, my aunt, and uncle moved to Florida and I got to celebrate my birthday with them there and see the end of their move into a permanent residence.  My mother also came to visit me for Christmas, which was a wonderful opportunity and redemptive trip from the last time she was here.  It is so great for me that I have spent almost an entire month with my mother this year!

All in all, I don't know for sure what 2013 will bring.  My need for control, certainty, clarity, and plans would normally make me a ball of anxiety, but I am trying my best to stay grounded and remain at peace that everything is going to work out.  Despite my anxious tendencies, all I can do is live in the moment one day at a time.

Happy New Year everyone!